Saturday, September 19, 2009

Up Early

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Maybe that's what it takes to get me to write these days.

Spent last night with Elizabeth (Q if you're Cerbin) at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. Pretty impressive on my part since she's a vegetarian, but then again if you've ever seen my Blue Steel you'd understand how I convinced her.

If you don't know about the movie Zoolander and what "Blue Steel" refers to in that movie consider this a reference to my Thrice Confirmed Huge Junk.

Although it's entirely possible she went with me because we had a $100 gift card to use. It was one or the other.

Thankfully she'll eat fish. This meant a delicious shrimp appetizer, tuna sashimi, and thai chili onion rings to start. I followed that up with a bone-in ribeye. I was, after all, at a steakhouse. I fought the desire to ask them for extra butter on the 500 degree plate they serve their steaks on.

On Sportscenter just now they showed a highlight of Joe Montana's kid throwing a touchdown to Will Smith's kid. What the hell? I feel like I just got done watching Joe Montana play football a few years ago. And Will Smith should have nothing older than a 10 year old. What's wrong with the universe that everything around me is growing up faster than I am?

HOLY FUCK!!!!111

Penis jokes are still funny, right?!? Anyone? Penis jokes???

I decided to look some stuff up for all 4 of you who read this. You might want to sit down, lest your mind be blown straight out your asshole.

IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 16 YEARS SINCE OJ KILLED (ALLEGEDLY) NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON AND RON GOLDMAN!

During this time you could have raised a child from scratch (medical term) and your little disrespectful floppy-haired douchebag of a kid would be in high school driving his car to and from his other "different by being the same" mop-headed mildly retarded always writing in text shortcuts slack-jawed moron friend's houses trying pot together and probably raping girls with their other lacrosse buddies while you sit at home getting fat and blaming it all on AD/HD and not on your lack of parenting skills and inability to use birth control.

Or you could have gone to college FOUR times! Of course, this would only be possible if you were like, full Comanche. Or, apparently, if you were foreign. Somehow all you need for a couple Escalades, two liquor stores, a gas station, and what appears to be enough money that you could just constantly go to college, is to be foreign. And if I'm wrong how do you explain EVERY LIQUOR STORE AND GAS STATION AND DUNKIN DONUTS IN, WELL, EVERY STATE!

Man, it's like they hand them out with your green card.

IT'S BEEN ALMOST 14 YEARS SINCE THAT CHICK JEWEL BOMBED THE OLYMPICS!

I've always maintained that her fucked up "Jewel Tooth" is evil. It just sits there, half hidden by her "look at me I'm a harmless shitty poet-singer-songwriter" grin, but when you can catch a glimpse of it you can see it. A dark, mangled, evil portal to hell.

Of this I'm certain.

Jewel and her evil Jewel Tooth definitely pipe-bombed the Olympic Park in Atlanta.

You will not be able to convince me otherwise. Hell, she even ruined the life of that security guard who they blamed. Damn, what was his name? Richard something, right?

IT'S BEEN 8 YEARS SINCE THE SEPTEMBER 11TH ATTACKS!

In this time you could have done...well...not much. It's only been 8 years. What am I, some sort of Asian math whiz or something? I've got shit to watch on TV and some frozen burritos that aren't going to eat themselves, compadre.

So you get my point, I hope, that time flies faster than our minds seem to age. That's probably a good thing. Or maybe not. What do I know? I'm just up early and trying to write something for the first time in what seems like 3 days.

6 comments:

Chilly said...

I think the Jewel tooth and Megan Fox Toe Thumb are the first two harbingers of the Apocalypse.

DrChako said...

I was about to write something pithy, but then Chilly made me look up Megan Fox's toe-thumb:

http://winwab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/megan-fox-thumb.jpg

I am bothered on so many levels here. My grandfather and 1st cousin have the SAME THUMB. That means I may be related to Megan Fox and it's really cramping my fantasy life.

-DrC

Oh yeah, Ruth's Chris rocks. They just need to fix the spelling.

Chilly said...

You realize that by posting that link MYTGOD is officially a portal to hell, right?

Mytgod said...

EGADS!

That thing is disgusting. I knew there had to be something weird about her. She seemed to perfect.

I do think she says all the "sexy" shit that she does in interviews because she's pandering to a male audience who wants to hear it. But that's just me.

pokerpeaker said...

I still think penis jokes are funny, but they don't cause me to have giggling fits like they used to. I guess we're all getting older.

Drizztdj said...

Old people should be joining other old people in Vegas in December to hit golf balls.

BUY MORE SCRATCH OFF LOTTERY TICKETS IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER!!!111