Saturday, August 22, 2009

Excerpts From my New Book for 8 Year Olds


Chapter 1. Daddy isn't buying you a dog because, although you won't understand if for a few years, you don't really give a shit if you have a dog or not.

Sure, you think you want a dog right now because that little slut Janie down the street has one. Nobody likes to be outdone by Janie. I know this. But all of those traits that make Janie the one to look up to now are the same traits that will ultimately make Janie the high school cum dumpster. Oh, I know this is a little above your head and you may be thinking that even that would be pretty cool. Actually, it is pretty cool. For (and during) high school it is. But after high school is over Janie is going to be the one desperately clinging to those years and never moving ahead.

And you know what?

Janie will still have that goddamn shed-monster of a dog. Is that what you want? To be washed up at 20, still having to clean piss off the floor of your parent's basement (this is where you will be living) every time your dog decides you haven't shown it enough attention? Good, now go play in the other room and let daddy and his computer have some adult time.

Chapter 2. The real world isn't a television show. It's an actual world. That is real. That is also 30 feet away from you. Drop the snack and turn the goddamn television off. It's time to go play in the yard.

Look, don't get me wrong. I'm happy that at age 8 you can create a facebook profile, blog, and figure out how to talk to your friends via webcam. It's impressive. Daddy can't hardly figure out how to maximize the screen of the porn he's trying to watch without somehow finding out he's purchased a year long subscription to Spunk Mouth. Thankfully he doesn't know how to unsubscribe either, but that's not the point.

You need to get out more.

I would have thought my Italian heritage would have come through better but your skin is paler than your mom's tits. Though I'm just speculating because officer Jenkins tells me it's no longer acceptable to get within 200 yards of her and also that looking into windows at night (Even if they were bought by you!) is something called "peeping" and it's illegal. At any rate, you need some sun. The glow of the computer screen is turning you into an 8 year old version of your mother. Without the frigidness, of course.

So what can you do? Plenty of things! You can rake the pavement like that retarded boy down the street. You can sell that blind kid in the wheelchair your crappy baseball cards like daddy does. You can do anything you want! So long as it involves the sun, interaction with others at some point, and a promise that you won't come back inside unexpectedly so daddy has enough time to put away any incriminating adult items.

1 comment:

DrChako said...

This is brilliant stuff. Got anything for a 12 year old? How bout a 42 year old?