Thursday, August 06, 2009

Eat That Watermelon


It's no big mystery that I spend half the year as a black man (and the other half as a tiny Korean woman) so it shouldn't be a surprise that I like me some watermelon.

For half the year, at least.

Its soft texture and sweet taste is the perfect pairing with a crispy and savory piece of fried chicken. Goes down good, as well, with Old English or after a hard days work on the basketball court not passing and convincing absolutely nobody that I'm Lebron James.

I think part of why I like it so much is you can eat it with one hand. This allows my other hand to stay down around my crotch. You know, for clutching every so often. Also, in case my pants somehow rise above mid thigh and attempt to cover most of the boxers I'm wearing, it's nice to have a free hand for proper adjustments.

I also like the fact watermelon has seeds. Seeds are good for spittin'. I like spittin'. I spit rhymes most of the day, including (but not limited to) when I'm grabbing my crotch, when I'm not grabbing my crotch, when I'm hanging out on street corners looking ornery, while in stairwells, late night at convenience stores, etc.

Maybe the only time I don't enjoy watermelon is when I'm at the movies. It's dark in there, and because I dress to the nines at all times I can't afford to spill any watermelon juice on my brand new Jordans. Besides, movies are for talkin'. DON'T GO IN THERE, BITCH! IT'S A TRAP!

Ahhh, I loves me some movies. Can't ever remember what they were about when I leave, but my friends and I always have a great time.

Normally when I'm discussing the finer points of watermelon I forget this one, but if you cut your melon correctly you can even set it down on the sidewalk when it's your turn to throw the dice. The skin protects the melon! Truly amazing.

Have you ever tried to slam your hands down on the table to yell "DOMINOES MUTHAFUCKA!!!" and your fruit goes rolling off the card table that you set up on Pooky's front porch? Yeah, I thought so. Cut you some watermelon the right way and you won't have that problem. Goddamn, I love me some watermelon!

Honestly, it's the perfect hand held treat for anywhere I go. Look, I made a list of typical places I might go and watermelon is good at all of them!

In line at the club. CHECK!
Pooky's front porch. CHECK!
Random street corners. CHECK!
Buffalo Wild Wings on .50c wing nights. CHECK!
Barbershop. CHECK!

Man, I just reread that list and became enamored with watermelon all over again!

So, it goes with saying that I was a little surprised (I peed myself a little. Don't tell Pooky or Ray Ray) when I saw my two favorite rappers, Lil Soulja and Lil Backflip, rapping about how delicious watermelon is. I was, however, a little offended. I mean, come on guys. It's the year 2009. Don't you think it was a little inappropriate to wear one pant leg up? Man, that was so 1995...

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