Friday, July 31, 2009

Stressed Out


I think I made it five days in a row.

These are the reasons I've become one of the world's most prolific poker bloggers. Consistency, creativity, in depth poker analysis, and the occasional post about my penis.

Look, I have proof!

Here are some of the search terms that have brought people to my archives recently, and these aren't even that impressive. I wish I'd written down some of the ones I've seen over the last couple months.

Hernia exam boner
Is my but whole normal (Wrong spelling, no punctuation. Personal favorite)
dickhole pain
Sean Penn sucks
cake raping
Mormon erections
my dickhole

Yep, it's pretty obvious I'm better than you. So enjoy your banner ads and Full Tilt ad money while you're getting it, but if you want readers to find your stuff for years to come you better start writing about that homo Sean Penn and your hopes he mangles himself in a three vehicle accident with the Dallas Cowboys team bus and an econoliner containing as many of those douchebags who picket abortion clinics as possible. Then you'll start seeing some quality traffic.

It should be noted that if the above situation were to happen I'd hope that it would be on the day T.O. happened to meet up with the team, you know, for some behind closed doors heavy petting with that fag Romo, so he happens to be on the bus and in that accident as well.

I don't ask for much.

Another thing you can do to become as prolific and A-List as me is to only think to post on Fridays. Fridays are a terrible traffic day for your site. Well, chances are your site has terrible traffic all the time because you have no substance, but you know what I mean.

If you have something really interesting to say, do it on Friday. This will ensure nobody really sees it. This would include your boss and HR department. This is a good thing. Remember kids, having a post about getting road head and being a lanky black man on the top of your site when your boss chooses to track you down is not a good thing.

Also, you'll want to remind yourself that statcounter can't possibly see all the new-fangled ways in which someone can read your site. Don't be fooled by those single digit numbers you see or the fact that everybody you know (save for 13 or so people) have one of your old sites linked up instead of your fancy new one. There are thousands of people reading your words. Believe it.

While I'm dishing out advice it's probably appropriate to show you how to be a creepy old man giving kids in leotards lessens in yoga. It's easy, just do what this dude does in the following video.

(The world was a better place when more people wore leotards. Coincidence? I think not.)

In conclusion...

Sean Penn sucks cause he likes to put his dickhole in but wholes while eating cake. He calls this cake raping. Normally he does this for two straight years. A mission of sorts. Which is why he calls his junk a mormon erection while he's cake raping. A mormon erection is different from a hernia boner in that it's more veiny and repentent. Interracial midget couples travel to India often, for some reason. 13yo Indian Girls are everywhere there. Not true people have sex through sheets there, but it is true that in Qatar the women look like ninjas out of the corner of your eye. Lost of head to toe black. Huge junk piles stacked everywhere. Breasts and thighs of chicken cook slow and deep into the evening. Hairless Asians, good at kung-fu. They know how to beat it up. Don't be a pussy about things, your dad should have taught you. Spanked your ass even, if you were being bad. When it's all said and done, drink your 18yo scotch and lick it clean after because that shit is expensive.



BamBam said...

Wow! I just googled my HUGE JUNK in SEAN PENN's but ho and am I ever happy I found this place. I'll be sure to stop by every Friday from now on!

KajaPoker said...

Is that McGyver in that video? Dude did not age well...

Heavy Critters said...

I just threw up.


Unknown said...

Dude, you didn't link yourself.

Damn rookie.

Kid Dynamite said...

i think your post about getting your sack wanded was one of my all time favorites on the internet