Thursday, June 05, 2008


The only fun part about moving is finding things you forgot you had.

I've begun sifting through the amazing amount of worthless crap that I kept around for some dumb reason. There is a lot of pointless shit, let me tell ya. I've already thrown away four garbage bags full of stuff that had me shaking my head.

Why would I keep that?
Am I retarded?
Was I retarded?
Hey look! A helmet!

I have a couple of chests that made it into my repertoire because of college. Nothing works better than giant tubs and chests for carting all of your shit from one dump of a house* to the next. I have two, and they've served me well.

*If you want to become a kabillionaire, all you have to do is get in on the student housing scam at any big university. The houses are in a state of perpetual disrepair and probably only pass muster during inspection because of greasy palms. They jam 7 of you in a house with 3 real bedrooms and half of you sleep in closets. They charge you ungodly sums, which seem cheap when spread among 7, and in the case of my college house, they never do anything to improve the fucking thing. I drove by recently, over ten years later, and they still haven't bothered to pave the driveway. And it's not like this place was in the boonies. It's a block off a major road and smack in the middle of a jam-packed community. Makes me not feel bad about ruining the grass in the backyard.

I tackled the first chest and came upon some interesting items I'd forgotten I even had. Hell, I'd forgotten the events surrounding these things even took place.

The first, was a combination of a children's and picture book. The artwork on it was relatively impressive and detailed, but I was confused as to why it was saved in my chest of things past.

Well, I got my answer when I opened up the book to see if I could spark some memories. Taped on the inside page was a letter from my college girlfriend. She of the "Here's an unscented candle for Valentine's Day" fame. It read:

Bob, (8/8/96)

Well I know I told you I wasn't going to do anymore nice things for you - We all remember the candle incident - but what can I say...I'm a softie.

I saw this book and it made me think of you. The story is pretty neat, and the pictures are amazing. Everytime I pick it up I notice something different.

Hope you like it as much as I do



It appears I was dating a mildly retarded girl. She likes picture books and doesn't realize "everytime" isn't a word. I guess I can scratch "Date a mildly retarded girl" off my bucket list.

Actually, it's funny because she makes note of the candle incident and she means it in an entirely different way than I look at the candle incident. Here's what happened.

She bought me the terribly thoughtless gift of an unscented candle for Valentine's Day. She also got me one of the popular pet rock styled bullshit gifts from the mall, a cheap-ass set of ancient Chinese vibrating when you rub them together pointless thoughtless waste of money balls. Though some of you in the past thought she was trying to introduce a sex toy into the relationship I can guarantee you this wasn't the case. These weren't those.

At any rate, I was a little disappointed with that considering it took no thought whatsoever and I had done a lot to make her day nice and romantic. I put her candle in my trunk with the rest of my awesome gift bag, and forgot to take it out. The heat eventually got to be strong enough that it melted my stupid candle while it was in there.

When she found out she was pretty mad.

Apparently she thought a six dollar candle should have been treated with a little more care. I looked at the candle incident as more of a pathetic attempt at placating my expectation of a present and less of a thoughtful expression of how much she cared. Actually, it was a thoughtful expression of how much she cared. She cared little and thought our relationship was worth approximately $6 in unscented candle.

I'm not bitter, or anything.

I also found some comment cards I'd saved from when I worked as a waiter in college. It was a Mountain Jack's Steakhouse, and my brother also waited and managed there. I used to get hilarious comments from old ladies, young ladies, and thankfully, no guys. I felt like it was funny enough to save, and here I find them almost twelve years later.

(Oddly, this was within a couple months of Stacy's book. Looks like I was into saving things at this time.)

10/19/96 (Comments from three girls out on Sweetest Day with no dates)

Food was delicious! Wine was tantalizing. bob was a very conversational, handsome waiter. He brought a ray of sunshine into my cloudy Sweetest Day! Thanks Bob! (smiley face)


An excellent waiter to serve young single females! Quite tantalizing! (Underlined three times) I'm leaving still hungry! (Heart - Underlined three times)

(At the bottom)
Come up and see me sometime!


(Up top)
You know where we work (Smiley face)

Our waiter was one of the best waiters I have ever had. Very charming and was the icing on the cake for a very bad Sweetest Day.

(On the back)
We are free tonight if you couldn't tell


(And from a different girl who was there with her family)


You did a great job. I hope your brother gives you a little raise. Keep up the great work (smiley face) Your service was impressive. I wish you could show me how impressive you really could be.


Nice to know I was just as tantalizing then as I am today.

I can't wait to find out what else I find while packing. Might get a couple hundred posts out of this stuff.


jremotigue said...

Please take pictures of your scrapbook and post them too.


Unknown said...

First off, you're so gay. It's been a long time since I got to say that to you, so there.

I was rooting around in my apartment's basement storage room and also found a retarded gift from a girl that I had just as soon forgotten. The first gift this girl ever bought me was for my birthday. It was, I shit you not, one of those laminated cartoon maps of San Francisco. I'm not from San Francisco, and at the time I had never been there. It wouldn't have been useful if I had been standing in the middle of San Francisco.
Worst gift ever.

To make it better, I thought I had lost this thing until the other day and the girl who gave it to me knew I lost it and gave me tons of shit. Much like the candle incident.

Leave it to this girl to buy me a gift that is completely, 100% all about her.

Since she set the precedent, I got her a birthday gift a few months later that was all about escort named Candy.

Ba dum, ba!

The Bracelet said...

I got some hot scrapbook themed posts in the works, so don't worry DP.

One Outer, You should totally get back in touch with that girl. Maybe send her an email that says, "Dear Worst Gift Giver Ever, I found that stupid map you gave me and thought I lost. I took a look at it and it's as pointless today as it was X years ago. Just figured I'd let you know in case you're still holding on to the anger. Oh yeah, it's also far and away the worst gift I've ever received in my life. Thanks."

Kid Dynamite said...

you are TANTALIZING!!!! i have to admit, i had some dirty hopes for "the candle incident".... big letdown.

i love the last comment from the restaurant