Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Things...

That trouble, worry, or bother me...

  • When Elizabeth reaches in the oven with bare hands to flip or feel something - Seriously, there isn't anything I've seen a loved one do in the kitchen that rivals this for my inner commentary, besides my dad cutting things with a cooking knife. I'm no chef, though I play one in the bedroom (Wait, what?!?) and even I am urgently intervening when I see him trying to cut food with a sharp knife. It's hard to explain, but for a guy who has excellent coordination, watching him cut things is like a lesson in what not to do with your free hand while cutting. Elizabeth purposely heats metals to the point where she can mold them so I shouldn't be worried about her, and it's probably her comfort around much higher temperatures that has her so lackadaisical about reaching into an oven. But still, she seems precariously close to burning her fingers, her hand, her forearm, and her dog all at once. I don a reinforced snowsuit laden with silicone before grabbing anything out of the oven because I'm a gigantic vagina.
  • Women with large heads - It's no secret among my family that I am attracted to women with small heads. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but I never want to date the female version of this...
























  • Restaurants not putting any effort into selling decent beer, wine, or liquor - I can't count then number of times I've been to an above average restaurant or bar where the owner (or manager) made the brilliant executive decision to carry nothing more than the cheapest wine they can find, a hearty selection of what Bud makes, and fancy liquors like Royal Canadian in case anyone has the hankerin' for some $8 a fifth taste of another land. Lazy, shit-ass businessmen, uneducated fuckers.
  • Camera Commercials - Honestly people, is there any product out there that beats you to death with their repetitive ads more than the camera makers of this world? Andre Agassi used to run around with his mullet, gayly hitting paint soaked tennis balls against a wall in terrifically lame attempts to make us want to purchase a Canon Rebel and those ads were on constantly. Now Ashton Kutcher is rocking his pathetic attempt at a beard in like, 177 different commercials for Nikon and their Coolpix digital cam. I'll let you all in on a secret. I bought a Nikon Coolpix. It fucking blew. In fact, before I could even get too pissed about how shitty the camera was at taking pictures, I was busy making sure the battery compartment hatch didn't break off the camera. I don't blame it. I'd have tried to jump ship and break away too if I was being sold with that piece of shit, ridiculously ineffective, may as well just try to quickly draft a picture on paper of what you just saw, waste of money camera. Also, I detect a weird trend with these ads....First there was AAAAAndre Agassi then AAAAAnna Kournikova and then AAAAAshton Kutcher. Who's next? I predict 8th ranked World Badminton Mixed Doubles player AAAAAnthony Clark.
  • Rerun marathons - Because once you set tivo to record every episode (Just because you want to be safe) you end up with 90 worthless episodes before you even have a chance to punch a midget. (Please keep in mind that I don't normally punch midgets. This is just a figure of speech. I think I heard our president use it once, so it's cool. Plus, as a small person myself, it's ok for me to joke about. Sort of like with black people and what they can say but we can't. You know which word. The "N-Word" Naggers.)

1 comment:

Drizztdj said...

I bet that guy pulls in all sorts of tail at Dave and Buster's while playing skeeball.