Friday, May 23, 2008


I've never claimed to work in a great area.

In fact, I've been known to throw a "tucky" on the end of any given city in the greater shithole vicinity where I spend every other week, and I get nods from my friends. Of the five cities I cover you can legitimately throw a tucky on the end of 4 of them and not feel like you've misrepresented the fine people I am forced to mingle with.

This is in stark contrast to everywhere I've lived or worked all my life.

I remember little from birth through 2nd grade. There was searching for salamanders at some kid's house. I broke a little girl's finger, probably because she earned it. I played a lot of soccer. One time, rather than tackle my brother I ripped the ball from his hands and returned it to the other end of the front yard for a score.

What I don't remember is having to wait in any gigantic grand opening lines for anything. Nothing ever came to town that whipped the locals into a frenzy.

From 3rd grade through 9th I was in a different state. I remember a lot more from then, of course. I can recall going to see the occasional huge movie release and having to get there early to stand in line. One of the Indiana Jones (or maybe two of them) was definitely a time. I imagine there were a couple others. We also had a sweet video game rental place in the same complex where you could rent time on the NEO-GEO, or whatever other gaming system was available, and if memory serves me correctly we even played the first version of Madden Football.

But again, short of a couple movie releases, I don't remember any locals freaking out over a new store or restaurant coming to town.

High school years were spent back in the town I was born in. I was immediately compared to Andre Agassi due to my sweet mullet. Where I came from they were all the rage. It was clearly not my fault and I quickly smartened up and got rid of it. Thank god my hammer pants were already retired.

I suppose the only abnormal thing that happened during those years was a music festival that began in a nearby city. That was new and exciting, but not in the way I'm getting to.

College years? Nothing.


How about 3 days after the opening of a Sonic in my territory there are lines 30 cars deep and 2 cars wide waiting for a chance to go through a Sonic drive through. There are Sonic employees outside directing traffic!


It's like, the talk of the town. Which is sad.

On my patented scale of city sadness I'd say it goes about here...

23. Average weight of population is over 250

22. Waiting in hour-long lines to eat at the new Sonic

21. Largest grocery store is an IGA

Coincidentally, this particular area hits both 22 and 23, so they've got that going for them, which is nice.


The NL Wife said...

Coincidentally, the largest grocery store in my hometown, growing up, was an IGA.

Wonder why I've never decided to move back there. EVER.

pdx_David said...

First of all, where is the green recliner? I am here via the oddcoupling blog and you said this would be the man cave. Usually I am not in to that kind of thing because it sounds kinda fruity, but you are entertaining and sometimes crude, maybe most of the time. Two of my favorite things in a blog. I expected pics of ladies and sports figures with a nice green leather recliner to relax in. No problem, I will get over it.

Second of all, I live in Portland, Oregon, no I am not bragging. We have a lot of Subarus and ladies that don't shave...Ewe! They opened up a Krispy Kreme here a couple of years ago and they had to have the police direct traffic. It was 7 or 8 rows at least 8 cars deep. Then you had the single line that stretched around the block. This was for doughnuts for christsakes!

The Bracelet said...

I may be able to oblige on that front David. Just give the Bracelet a little time to work his magic in his new digs.

elizabeth said...

i strongly encourage installing a green leather recliner here. you can get it right out of your system.

i've never eaten at a sonic, but i'm fairly certain i'm not missing anything. you midwesterners are weird