Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Tuesday > Monday

Yesterday sucked.

Besides being Monday, which in and of itself is a shitty day, it featured one of the most delightful cappers to terrible day I've had in quite some time. (By "delightful" I mean "dreadful". I like to say one thing and mean another. It's a writing thing and I'm trying to expand my writing things. How, you ask? By writing more things that mean other things, among other things.)

Clear? No? Solid.

Moving on...

My soft contact lens decided it wanted to stay in my eye. 10 minutes of focused efforts on pulling that bastard out had failed and left my eye swollen and angry. Sort of like a penis, now that I think of it. Only my eye wasn't about to do the ol' in-out, in-out and if an off-white substance were capable of shooting out of my cornea I'm pretty sure you'd have seen me in Vivid's EyeGasm 1 (thru 25) by now.

So at first I was like, "Aww, that's so sweet contact! You want to stay in and help me see better!" But then I realized that it wasn't being sweet at all. It was being a total douchebag.

So you're thinking, "What's so bad about a contact not coming out of your eye easily?" And I'm thinking, "Why are you asking me so many questions? Are you a narc? You know you have to tell me if you're a cop, right? This is my blog, compadre!" And you're thinking, "Hey, this is a blog I'm reading and I will NOT engage an inanimate object in a conversation. That's ridiculous. And neither of us are Hispanic." And I'm thinking, "Ohhh, that's right bitch! I'm in your head now and I'm never coming back out. Prepare for a mental Braceleting all day, every day. I have no filter, nothing to do, and my number one priority will be undermining your confidence! Plus I like tortillas and know a Puerto Rican (ka-KAW!) so we're good." And you're thinking, "This is getting really weird for me. I just googled 'Rick Fox Herpes' and stumbled upon your site. I'm not looking to start anything." And I'm like, "Then why did you just show up with your fancy one-line quotation thingy around what you googled like you're some kind of Harvard math wizard?" and you're like, "You mean english, not math, right?" And I'm like, "I will cut you, ese."

So it's stuck. And if you have contacts you'll know that the standard way to get those assholes off your eyeball is to slide them to the corner of your eye and it causes them to bunch up a little and gives you better grip with your thumb to unsuck them from your eyehole. Only, if the contact doesn't really slide to where you think it is and you then use your finger and thumb to pinch a contact out of your eye all you're pinching is eyeball. You try it and know right away that you didn't get it out because it's pretty obvious when you have a contact folded between your fingers. So you try again, assuming that contact is sitting right there just being stingy. You grip it a little harder and feel something start to pull up but your fingers slip off and you're left with nothing. You try this a bunch and then realize that your contact isn't really sliding over to your spot and you're just yanking on your FUCKING EYEBALL!

*whole body shudder*

So after coming this close (I just motioned with my hand but you couldn't see it) to putting my fist through the door from the heebie jeebies I had my lady friend come pull it off my eye for me.

Today my contacts came out easily and I had a double deuce of champagne quality beer (High Life) hanging out in the fridge waiting for me.

So yeah, yesterday sucked. Today, not so much.

I'd write more but I'm contractually obligated to something or other...

6 comments:

RedXBranch said...

Good once again to see the craziness that is Uncle Bracelet on the small screen. I first read you over at wordpress a couple of years ago until the blog there became a '...for invited guests only' discriminatory piece of shi...uh, anyway thanks for telling me over at Otis's blog how to get here.

The Bracelet said...

Awesome, I'm glad you found me.

I still have no idea if that Uncle Bracelet stuff was an attempt at a joke or someone bitter because I wasn't nice enough to them or what. But they locked up the feeds and the only sucky part is that I'm sure I had some interesting stuff on there that I wouldn't mind having access to. Then again, if I wait a few days and reread what I write it often seems like it's from someone else's mind anyway!

But it's pretty ridiculous. Nobody who used to read my stuff knows where I am any longer. I still receive updates from old blogs that someone I've known will link to or fairly good friends will have no idea I've been writing.

So tell your friends! But not the ones who can't stand the use of the word fuck, of course...or race jokes...or penis jokes...or jesus jokes...

In hindsight maybe you shouldn't tell anybody.

California April said...

My contact ripped in two once when I was removing it. Part stayed in my eye and I actually had to go to the eye doctor to have it removed. Painful as hell.

On another note, I changed the link from my blog to yours so the whole 3 people who still read mine can find yours.

BLAARGH! said...

Hey! Great to see you writing again! Seen you popping up here and there but I finally found you through your post to otis as well... I'll toss a quick note up on my blog so my mom (my only reader left) can rss you.

DrChako said...

I could advise you on how to remove that contact, but my legal counsel has told that I must stop giving medical advice on the internet. I might get confused as a doctor or something.

-DrC

Anonymous said...

wtf