Besides being Monday, which in and of itself is a shitty day, it featured one of the most delightful cappers to terrible day I've had in quite some time. (By "delightful" I mean "dreadful". I like to say one thing and mean another. It's a writing thing and I'm trying to expand my writing things. How, you ask? By writing more things that mean other things, among other things.)
Clear? No? Solid.
My soft contact lens decided it wanted to stay in my eye. 10 minutes of focused efforts on pulling that bastard out had failed and left my eye swollen and angry. Sort of like a penis, now that I think of it. Only my eye wasn't about to do the ol' in-out, in-out and if an off-white substance were capable of shooting out of my cornea I'm pretty sure you'd have seen me in Vivid's EyeGasm 1 (thru 25) by now.
So at first I was like, "Aww, that's so sweet contact! You want to stay in and help me see better!" But then I realized that it wasn't being sweet at all. It was being a total douchebag.
So you're thinking, "What's so bad about a contact not coming out of your eye easily?" And I'm thinking, "Why are you asking me so many questions? Are you a narc? You know you have to tell me if you're a cop, right? This is my blog, compadre!" And you're thinking, "Hey, this is a blog I'm reading and I will NOT engage an inanimate object in a conversation. That's ridiculous. And neither of us are Hispanic." And I'm thinking, "Ohhh, that's right bitch! I'm in your head now and I'm never coming back out. Prepare for a mental Braceleting all day, every day. I have no filter, nothing to do, and my number one priority will be undermining your confidence! Plus I like tortillas and know a Puerto Rican (ka-KAW!) so we're good." And you're thinking, "This is getting really weird for me. I just googled 'Rick Fox Herpes' and stumbled upon your site. I'm not looking to start anything." And I'm like, "Then why did you just show up with your fancy one-line quotation thingy around what you googled like you're some kind of Harvard math wizard?" and you're like, "You mean english, not math, right?" And I'm like, "I will cut you, ese."
So it's stuck. And if you have contacts you'll know that the standard way to get those assholes off your eyeball is to slide them to the corner of your eye and it causes them to bunch up a little and gives you better grip with your thumb to unsuck them from your eyehole. Only, if the contact doesn't really slide to where you think it is and you then use your finger and thumb to pinch a contact out of your eye all you're pinching is eyeball. You try it and know right away that you didn't get it out because it's pretty obvious when you have a contact folded between your fingers. So you try again, assuming that contact is sitting right there just being stingy. You grip it a little harder and feel something start to pull up but your fingers slip off and you're left with nothing. You try this a bunch and then realize that your contact isn't really sliding over to your spot and you're just yanking on your FUCKING EYEBALL!
*whole body shudder*
So after coming this close (I just motioned with my hand but you couldn't see it) to putting my fist through the door from the heebie jeebies I had my lady friend come pull it off my eye for me.
Today my contacts came out easily and I had a double deuce of champagne quality beer (High Life) hanging out in the fridge waiting for me.
So yeah, yesterday sucked. Today, not so much.
I'd write more but I'm contractually obligated to something or other...