Sunday, May 01, 2011

Oh Really?

Go ahead and try to book a venue for a wedding/party on a Saturday in Wine Country, but prepare your asshole for a workout. I'm not talking the kind of workout you see that old skinny woman in the gym having where she appears to have not eaten in a week and yet you see her rocking the elliptical every single day for two hours. No, I'm talking about the type of workout where you're sure you've pulled both achilles tendons and something in your knee is burning. We're talking the kind of asshole workout that comes from 4 days of diarrhea and access to only 1-ply hippie toilet paper made out of bark mulch and tiny glass shards. Plus you finish up with a shower and have to dress next to some old naked dude who never made it out of the locker room AND never made it into any clothes at any point.

Go ahead, choose a place or two that you like. Then, you can bask in the awesomeness that is preferred vendors. Yes, for the low low price of $10,000 you can reserve ONLY the space and then be forced, FORCED, to use only approved caterers. Not to mention half the places mandate that you employ a wedding planner. That's a minimum charge of $1,000, a maximum of unlimited, and an ass-raping threat level ORANGE!


So I took a break from blogging just now, though you'd never know it, because a Lady Gaga commercial came on and a debate broke out. The woman here doing Wheezy's hair mentioned that two guy friends of hers recently had a long argument about her and I figured no two guys I know could have a "long" argument about here because it would go like this...

GUY 1: I really think Lady Gaga is a trailblazer/great artist/modern day Madonna/anything positive

GUY1: But seriously, if you look at her...

GUY 1: Alright, alright. But all I'm saying is...
GUY 2: That you're a homo?

GUY 1: Well, it isn't as if...

And the simple fact of the matter is this: If you think Lady Gaga produces great music, and you aren't gay, than I just don't know you as well as I think I do. Which is fine. I'll just have to call you a homo more often. We can make this work.

So back to the ass-raping...

If you've committed to a really expensive site fee and are being forced to use only preferred vendors I have a little mental game I play that may help you.

Usually I use this game for when I'm blowing massive amounts of money at the casino. You tell yourself that the thousand you just lost wasn't really yours to begin with because that last bonus was unexpectedly high. Then, you remind yourself that the second thousand you lost is money already spent because you didn't need to get that root canal you thought you'd need. Then, the last five grand is just money you weren't going to put down on a house anyways because you're fucking lazy and not moving anywhere anytime soon. You'll make it up later.

So that extra 2k for the wedding planner is really just money you would have saved for your first child. He didn't need to go to a real university. Phoenix is just fine. And that 5k you're dropping because a week has gone by and it isn't April any longer? New cars are for fags. You didn't want to own a car where every door worked anyhow.

But you can rest assured that you can still catch a fantastic fucking deal no matter where you go in Napa or Sonoma for at least one thing.

Every, and I mean EVERY, hotel graciously offers free local calls.

Seriously. Is that a selling point in 2011? Free local calls? Does anyone give a shit? Who doesn't have a cell phone these days besides my grandfather. And he's not going to make it much longer let alone travel to wine country and need to make local calls.

So thank you, Redwood Inn. Your free local calls have balanced the budget.

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