Monday, April 25, 2011


Every year around Thanksgiving (Which, if I remember correctly is the time we give thanks to the Indians for graciously giving us their land) my mother asks me for a Christmas list. In other words, she wants ideas of things to get me for Christmas (Which, if I remember correctly is the day we give thanks to Jesus for helping us steal land from the Indians) and I always have a problem coming up with ideas.

Part of my problem is that I make enough money these days to buy the things I'm interested in having. Thus, someone searching out $20-$50 gift ideas is going to have a hard time finding something I don't already have. The other reason, though, is the real problem.

I don't like telling people what to get me because it defeats the purpose of gift giving and turns the whole thing into an emotionless ritual.

Alright, that's a little harsh. I still like getting gifts, but I definitely like giving gifts better and if I had my way I'd never give anyone ideas for me. So that's the basic idea behind my hesitation to create lists for presents. I like to buy gifts that hold meaning for the recipient. I'd wager to say that people who have been on the receiving end of my gifts would agree that I do a pretty good job of accomplishing that. Actually, that was too kind. I do a fantastic job of gift giving. I'm also quite humble.

This kind of shit happens all the time. Someone invites you to something of theirs and they expect an invite back to your thing. Bonus checks become something counted on as part of your salary rather than a bump in pay for good performance. Hell, I've had a woman stop at a door and wait because she noticed I was 10 seconds (TEN SECONDS) behind her and she clearly felt like doors should be opened for her all the time. Clearly some unfortunate douchebag used to treat her like a queen and nobody has had the balls to call her a selfish bitch since. At any rate, it's not new and it's not going away.

Which brings me to the reason for this whole subject.

Weddings. One of the worst kind of events for these types of problems.

Hey, guess what? You're probably not invited!

Ok, so now that we've got that out of the way let's discuss how awesome it is to create the list of attendees to your wedding. First, you and your loved one decide when and where you're getting hitched. After all it is your wedding, right?

Then, once you've determined the type of wedding you want it's time to create the list of attendees. There's family, friends, and a few other people including the 48 year old deejay who's going to show up and try to rape you and your guest's earholes with the chicken dance and hokey pokey. I'm sure you're happy with the people you've selected. After all, it is your wedding. Right?

Alright, you've made the tough decisions about friends. Some never show up to anything, some can't afford to travel, and some can't stop dating people who should be on Jerry Springer and the last thing you want is someone breaking a bottle over someone's head at your reception. You're good, I imagine. Happy. It's a good list. Solid. The people you want to celebrate with and nobody more.

Or so your mom, or his mom, or your step mom, or father, or just about anyone related to you thinks.

Hey, remember cousin Jack? No? Well, you were pretty young that one time you met him. But he lives near your destination wedding so you should make sure to invite him.

Oh, another thing really quick. Um, I noticed you hadn't invited Carl. You know, Carl is having a really tough time lately. He doesn't really know anybody and it would be nice if you invited him as well. No, Carl. From the neighborhood. He's the one you always called Dirty Carl. I'll give you his address.

Are you busy? I just wanted to ask you how prominently my name would be displayed on your invitation. I am, after all, paying for a portion of your wedding and as such I wanted to ensure that everyone is able to clearly see my name so I get all the credit I deserve. May I suggest 16pt font and Sans Serif?

Oh, honey...You can't have a wedding cake without at least 4 tiers. That's something the Jews would do.

Alright, that second one was probably made up.

But what the fuck is wrong with people? It isn't your wedding. You don't have to feel bad that people weren't invited. You don't have to sweat the details. In fact, all most of you have to do is show up and not be an asshole. Seriously. You can even get drunk. Watch a friend or relative share a moment together, then eat free delicious food and drink far too much free delicious alcohol and that's it.

And there will be fantastic food and wine. That I can assure you jackals. A destination on everyone's must see list, food, wine, and a chance to get away from your whiny little snotboxes or relentlessly blind to your efforts boss for a few days. It's not that difficult.

I think the photo below encapsulates what you can expect quite nicely.

So be happy you made the list and just strap in for the ride. It'll be a good one, I promise. And if I'm wrong you can totally just zip it because I'm not going to want to hear it.

After all, that's something the Jews would do.

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