Monday, February 23, 2009

Sean Penn Sucks And The Oscar's Can Kiss My Black Ass


~

I didn't watch the Oscar's last night. This maintains my streak of missing the Oscar's (on purpose) for another year. I think we're on year 32 now, though I don't remember much from the first few years of my life and truly hope my parents didn't subject me to it.

Did someone playing a retard or a homo win this year?

How about a foreign or period piece?

Did Heath Ledger win? He must have. He wouldn't have been nominated if he were alive because critics think the two types of films least deserving of any love are Adam Sandler movies and Superhero movies.

Did all the truly deserving movies get shut out?

I'm sure it went the same way all Oscar's go so excuse me if I can't get into a bunch of elitist rich people sucking each other off for a couple hours straight over roles in movies that the majority of the public didn't see and doesn't care to see until they stumble upon it some pathetic day in their local blockbuster when Earl tries to pick out something in which he might see a little skin in a lame attempt at getting his old lady's juices flowing for once but Marge has other plans as she notices Slumdog Millionaire and decides it's time her and Earl get worldly and watch a show with singing and dancing brown people because it won an Oscar last year but their too dense to figure out what blu-ray means and why it's different from the non-blu-ray and instead decide to go bowling and drink pitchers of bud and they pump out kid after kid lowering our collective IQ's every 9 months and they never seem to run into any issues because double wides are so cheap you can't really lose your ass in them but Joe Regular spends his days wearing condoms and reading books and his home just lost so much value he won't ever be able to move and day by day the intelligent sedan driving crowd has one or two quality babies while the blue collar comedy target audience outpaces everyone and cranks out three or four slack-jawed fucking idiots and Nascar gets bigger and religion grows and sales of overalls make a comeback and laws are passed that say we can't swear in fucking public lest a child hears our nasty words and penalties are put in place for a nip-slip on television and don't even get me fucking started on that woman who deserves to have her kids (and vagina) taken away for burdening our society with fourteen kids that she won't be able to properly raise because she has no job and is about to get foreclosed on but wouldn't you know she's probably getting somewhere around five grand a month in support she doesn't deserve and every time I see her walking around without any of her kids I want to strangle her because I see people lugging their two kids around every day and losing jobs and unable to afford to pay for medical care and she's got 14 of em stashed away somewhere as she bounces in and out of stores all day and speaking of stores every single fucking time I go to the goddamn grocery store and attempt to buy something for a second time it's like some sort of extra-terrestrial panel of overlords are fucking with me and ordering the store to stop carrying the items I want to buy because it's happened like 15 times over the last six months and if nobody is going to stop that douchebag pushing a full cart into the 15 items or less self serve line when he's not only disregarding the rules but he clearly has no goddamn idea on how to work the fucking machines and my headball is about to explode from the internal screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YOU FUCKING MORON HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO BE TOLD BY THE MACHINE AT EAR PIERCING VOLUME LEVELS THAT YOU CAN'T BAG TWO ITEMS AT ONCE then I will take matters into my own hands one of these days and as the cops wrestle the can of soup out of my hands that I've been bludgeoning this douchebag with and shove my face into the floor as I'm cuffed I'll have an epiphany that some day this will get made into a movie and Sean fucking Penn is going to win a goddamn Oscar for playing the psychotic OCD loner with an unhealthy diet mountain dew fascination who was caught in the act of beating to death a man with a can of soup while almost inaudibly repeating over and over "Sean Penn sucks and the Oscar's can kiss my black ass."

I feel better now. Don't you?

Well, off to work. Maybe afterwards I'll head to Blockbuster. I kinda feel in the mood for a period piece about a retard that teaches us all a lesson, possibly by singing and dancing. It'll probably be somewhere in the special "Oscar's" section.

~

7 comments:

Human Head said...

Still lovin' it (Christ, that slogan is a cancer). You are the triathlete of sentence writing.

"....every single fucking time I go to the goddamn grocery store and attempt to buy something for a second time it's like some sort of extra-terrestrial panel of overlords are fucking with me and ordering the store to stop carrying the items I want to buy because it's happened like 15 times over the last six months...."

You are being fucked with, by very-terrestrial, (multiple) panels of ignorant and weak bureaucrats, executives,"experts", and various other servile functionaries. Expect this to get worse, and glad to see you're enjoying the increasing Utopian Hell as much as I am :)

(that's the long way of saying, "Nope, it's not your imagination")

The Bracelet said...

Hey Head, maybe we ought to start buying land in the middle of nowhere in case we need to start a new civilization that doesn't suck donkey balls.

Even if it was douchebag-free for a couple years it would be like heaven.

SirFWALGMan said...

Excellent rant Waffles approved.

Ignatious said...

wow.

more rants, please.

Drizztdj said...

I have vowed to throw my wife's yogurt containers at the next person who clogs the 15 or less lane at the supermarket until they receive the clarity that it is wrong to do so.

It amazing what damage can be done with a piece of plastic being flung at 80 mph can do.

StB said...

Not one comment about how douchebag Penn says people should be ashamed for not voting for Prop 9?

You are losing it.

Dana said...

Some people seem to think that this little piss ant has some noble cause in mind when he betrays his (MY) country. Nothing could be further from the truth. Before this CLOWN went over to see sodomy insane prior to the first Gulf War his so called acting career was in the toilet where it belongs. He took out a one page add in the San Fransicko news paper, went over to see sodomy insane (Baghdad sean) and was rewarded by the Hollywood left with an academy award. The left wing wackos in Hollywood take care of their own even when their own are whiney little piss ants like this one.