Monday, January 05, 2009

White People


It's well known around the MYTGOD household that I'm black. This is mostly because if you look at me, I'm black. If you were color blind you could tell by how well I can dance, how high I can jump, the number of watermelons in my fridge, or in how perfectly I manage my ho.

You see, black people like sports, clubbing, watermelon, chicken, and ho's.

And that's about it.

White people like pretending they're a black guy playing sports, line-dancing, grapefruit, chicken-fried steak, and ho-ho's.

And that's about it.

All my honky friends tell me they wish they had my style. I tell my honky friends I wish they did too. Their shit be embarrassing as a mother fucker!

You ever see a black man dressed up in a bow-tie?


And if you do he's a robot, programmed to destroy black sensibility. And the only way to destroy that robot is to find out what computer he's plugged in to each night and upload Wu-Tang Clan songs. Not as easy as it sounds, but I bet you haven't seen Farnsworth Bentley in a while, have you? You can thank Rza, Gza, and the Ghostface Killah for that.

I rest my case.

White people can be hilarious, though. You ever watch them try to go clubbin? They always got one hand in they pocket and one hand on a Budweiser.

Budweiser? Seriously?

No bitch in her best outfit that she just finally got picked up from layaway, sipping on champagne, is going home with you like that! Your down-low gonna have to wait years to get a little stank on it, you be up in the club drinkin Budweiser, fool!

Black guys know how to do it. You catch whatever the hottest drink is from whoever the hottest "Lil" rapper is, and you order it. Plain and simple. I don't care if it's Vodka mixed with Cognac with a splash of milk and a mint leaf, you get it. (And on second thought, that shit sounds fucking delicious.) Then you get your suit on (Purples and Greens work best!) and you go over to that women and you just take her. She's yours now!

(As a side note, you make sure that bitch gets nothing but ho-cakes in the morning. Don't want her thinking she's found her a suga-daddy.)

Man oh man, it's gotta be tough to be a white man these days. Having to buy belts for your pants and shit. Wearing tighty whiteys.

When it all shakes out though, you just gotta laugh at the differences and move on.

Here's a sample of the stand-up routine I've been working on. Nobody has thought to compare black people to white people yet. It's going to be huge. Like my dick*.

*Because I'm black, you see. And we have large members. It's also funny because I often brag about the size of my junk, and it's always funny to beat something into the ground. Always.


KajaPoker said...

ummm.... so wrong... so many levels...

btw, nation of islam members wear bow-ties. remember our brother louis farakhan? Asalam aleykum brotha'!

The Bracelet said...

Crap, that's right.

Oh well. Can't win them all.

Besides, I'm Asian.

Unknown said...

Holy shit that is funny! Cause it's true! Even though the new HBO Chris Rock special goes some extent.

But c'mon Wu-Tang Clan? Thats a 15 year old reference at this point.

Anyway, we get our laughs on the Ski Hill, the Swimming Pool, and the buffet line. I mean, how many different kinds of chicken can one fit on their plate? Really.

StB said...

On behalf of white people I must insist you apologize immediately! Or we will boycott the NBA, BET, and KFC. Then what will your people do?

Kid Dynamite said...

I remember being young and from the slums, eatin' five cent gums, not knowing where my meal's comin' from.

Kid Dynamite said...

girls pee pee when they see me, navajos creep me in they tee pee