Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Teddy Was Right


Listen, Male Porn Actor, we've got a serious problem to discuss.

I know you were excited to land one of the lead roles in The Lord of The Cockrings. I could tell because you were visibly excited, but mostly because you tried too hard. Maybe it was the placement of internet clips from your role into the "Huge Cock" and "Big Dicks" categories on the web which led you to believe your role was more important than it was. You are sadly mistaken.

Oh, and trust me on this one, you don't have a "Huge Cock." I watch porn constantly and I can safely say that you do not have a huge cock without performing any sort of scientific study. I'll put it this way: Your cock is to huge as that hag you were banging is to 18 years old. Or hot. Or in shape. Or lacking butt pimples. The fact I would still bang her is neither here nor there. What are you, the bang a dirty whore police?

Let's break down some of your mistakes, shall we Captain Porn Ruiner?

  • While fondling a clothed porn actress you can't grunt like you're moments from exploding. Breathing heavily during the meet and greet stage of fucking is for fat people, emphysemics, and psychos. The only people (Besides serial killers) who wouldn't have a problem with your hyperventilating are the old geezers watching porn on their Commodore 64 and whacking it a few times between hisses from their oxygen tank. I'm sure they'd be aroused by it, if not just envious of your lung capacity.

  • Unless your movie is selected by a homosexual, which is happening less and less now that Jesus has been curing homosexuality routinely over the last decade, I think it's safe to say the reason people clicked on your movie clip is for the girl. Or what you'll be doing to the girl. Simply stated, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OUTSHINE THE CHICK WHOSE DECIDED TO GET NAKED FOR US! Let her do the majority of the talking and grunting, for crying out loud! Your job is the human equivalent of the sybian. Nobody cares how much fun you're having. Stop it.

  • I'm far more Don Julio than I am Don Juan, but perhaps you should mix up the speed with which you thrust every once in a while. Trying to set some sort of land-speed record is something you should do on your own time. Most of us would like to see the woman actually contributing and not shocked into a frozen pose as you take out the frustration of an unpopular childhood on her.

  • She doesn't have a "tight pussy." I can see it from here and it has obviously been stretched more than a yoga master. So quit saying it or take your shaved balls and go home.

Look, that's just for starters. I know it isn't all your fault. Some dirtball director standing in the corner with a devilish grin and crooked hard-on is egging you on and moving the cameras into angles with far too much male anatomy. And despite the fact that I've seen decent looking porn actresses out there nobody seems eager to hire them, instead insulting our intelligence by trotting some forty year old skank out as an 18 year old virgin time and time again.

The porn industry is desperately in need of an overhaul. Who's the man for the job? I don't know, but I think avid porn collector Teddy Roosevelt said it best when he was quoted many years ago on the subject of the industry and specifically the male porn actor.

"Speak softly and carry a big stick."


Unknown said...

This is hilarious.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I heard "let's make love" uttered by a wannabe male porn star on a clip last night.

Erection lost, tube sock limp, mission aborted.

Do they have such things as all-female porn? I'd watch that.

StB said...

Stretched more than a yoga master.

If only that would have been in a run-on sentence.