Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Wearing a matching colored fedora and member's only jacket he purposely intercepted me on my way into the house this evening.

The neighbor.

He's an old man that I was warned about. Cagey, this old man. Apparently he will talk your ear off about the exact same thing over and over when he gets you. Maybe he's trying to make up for a silent household, as he seems to be living there alone. Possibly he's delusional and thinks I'm family. Probably he's the reason most people keep to themselves. Certainly I'll avoid him in the future.

"But why?" you may be asking.

Because he is clearly incapable of cutting off a conversation and I have places to be, problems to solve, and ladies to satisfy.

Today he caught me before I could initiate defensive maneuvers. Son of a bitch was like a ninja in waiting. His car magically appeared next to mine (We share a wide driveway) and he popped out of the driver's seat like a man half his age so he could engage me.

What this guy has apparently done to my friend who owns this place over the years is a daily assault of mind-numbingly pointless conversation about the same topic: The weekly medical suspension list.

He literally saves every single one of these weekly fliers and normally goes over them every day with my friend Meghin. Meghin and her husband Christian are now overseas while I stay at their place and I've been able to miss this geezer for almost 3 months.

Until today.

The way he flew out of the car and around the back bumper to talk to me reminded me of people with Tourette's Syndrome. You know how a guy can be flailing arms and dropping obscenities but when it comes time to sing or play an instrument they lose all ticks and seemingly become normal again? Well this guy was like a man half his age with a bead on an unsuspecting person to converse with.

In a way he sorta transferred it to me because all I could think of in my mind was, "Shit, fuck, motherfuck cockballs! He's got me!"

He was commenting on the weather because he's old and bored. I was looking at his hands and doing a little success dance in my head because I saw no stack of fliers. Apparently this guy always has stacks of these things. Who knows where the hell he gets them.

I'm giving amazed as it pertains to weather acknowledgment and he somehow pulls off some sort of war veteran/ninja move and gets his trunk open silently while we talk, seamlessly shuffling a foot one way and a hand the other, and he's got a stack of fucking fliers in his hands!

What the fuck?!?

Now I'm done for because he's asking if I know about how many doctors are "doing more drugs than the patients."

It almost didn't matter what I said because he immediately went for the back page of one of the fliers and started in on it.

These things are compiled lists of any type of healthcare professional who has been charged with anything negative relating to their job. For instance, a particular doctor's listing may look like this:

Joaquin Ochoa, D.O.
Poohbutt, NC 10304
Suspension of License, 6 mos.
Innapropriate Touching
Giving the Hairy Eyeball
Untimely Flatulence
Drug conviction
Lack of Good Moral Character

Actually, while the label of Inappropriate Touching is made up the label Lack of Good Moral Character is one of the real charges.

So what this guy has done with my friend Meghin is read off the entire thing and he was no different with me. Our exchange went like this...

HIM: Look at this one here, for example. (He holds it out in front of me and points with his pen as he reads)

HIM: Joaquin Ochoa, D.O. in Poohbutt, North Carolina on January 8th...

ME: .....

HIM: Suspension of his license for six months...

ME: .....

I tried to tell him that I see those every day at work and know all about them.

Didn't matter.

I tried to tell him that I'd already seen the one he was reading to me.

Didn't matter.

I tried throwing prunes towards his garage to wreck his concentration.

Didn't care.

I tossed a case of Ensure on his lawn.

Didn't faze him.


Only when, by the grace of Jebus, that whore mother nature started dropping sprinkles from the sky was I able to escape his clutches. My exclamation of how it wasn't raining a few minutes earlier and the master thespian posture I took as if the pellets of rain were painful and dangerous was finally enough to break his concentration and allow me to get inside.

I'll drive around the block for an hour if I have to, just to avoid this guy in the future. I thought she was joking about how he loved showing her the damn fliers but I was wrong.

He produced a stack of 6 like he was Copperfield and I'd hate to see what he's capable of on a sunny day without a raindrop, hurricane, or tidal wave in sight.

You got me this time, old man.

But you just wait. What I lack in years of experience I more than make up for in creativity.