Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Friend Iggy Goes Deep

No Homo.

It's just about Day 3 at the World Series of Poker. The Main event drew over six thousand participants and after four Day 1's and two Day 2's Iggy is poised to make a run deep. Hell, he's already deep. But he wants to go deeper. No homo.

It will be a great accomplishment if he can overcome the thinning field and his sub par chip stack later today to get in the money and make it to Day 4. Not because he isn't good enough to make it that far, but because of what a huge cash influx would mean to his family.

Iggy is a midget.

This has been well documented. What he lacks in height and strength he more than makes up for with his James Dalton-esque looks and hilarious sausage fingers.

Being little has been a struggle for him.

First there was the teasing, which often ended in belly-laugh inducing fights. Iggy would use his size as his only advantage and would have made Benny Hill proud as he weaved through peoples legs and launched tiny punches and kicks with Monica Seles-like grunts.

Then kids stopped picking on him but he found it hard to get a date. Most girls in his rural town wanted to be taken to the local dances or carnival. Iggy couldn't ride the ride or reach their waists. Besides, every time he tried to attend the carnival he was besieged with job offers, which was embarrassing.

He found it hard to find a real job, though, and caught his only break of his teen years when Mr. Carrington (The man who owned half the town) offered Iggy five dollars an hour to dress like a Jaguar and pose on the hood of his Oldsmobile as he drove about town.

Sadly, Mr. Carrington passed away just months after employing Iggy in his first steady job. His bitch wife, Jackie, wouldn't keep Iggy on staff because she thought he was always trying to look up her skirt (He was) and Iggy was officially unemployed again.

He couldn't afford college but had become very good at dealing with people, which came in handy when he was able to trade free school for one shift a day as the boy peeing in the fountain. The school was cheap and rotated in little people dressed as the boy to bring an air of sophistication to their otherwise boring fountain.

That's Iggy, dressed as Jans Uberschmidt, a local kayaking hero!

Good times.

Well, after scratching and clawing his way through life he met his soul mate and got married. He pumped out four kids, all normal sized human beings. He named them De'Quan, Sha'Quan, Cle'Otis, and Bill. He worked hard to feed his family and send them all to a proper university. It was that drive and determination to succeed for his spawn that he took his most lucrative gig ever in the bowling industry.

Best of Luck on Day 3 Iggy! May you go deep and finally have enough money to get that Legiotomy surgery you're always talking about. Get you tall enough to ride the rides at Six Flags. We're all pulling for you.