Screwjob

It's nice to know that if all else fails we can always count on Helen Hunt to bring the forehead.

So you want to watch a movie and you go for the pay per view options that Directv offers. It's pretty convenient, actually. I can log on and purchase a movie in mere minutes. Less time than it takes me to bring a lady to her 17th orgasm. But only by a few seconds.

(Hear that ladies?)

Once you've purchased your movie and switched over to your pay per view channel you'll start getting a rundown of when the movie will start about a minute out. You'll be getting excited to see your selected film when this happens:

THEY SHOW YOU A FUCKING PREVIEW!

Honestly? Is this not retarded? Who wants to see clips of the movie they're about to watch?

But the insanity doesn't stop there. Nope, Directv ratches it up a notch almost immediately.

You see, they've already shown you a preview during the one minute countdown to your movie kicking off, but they have more planned.

NOW THEY HAVE RICHARD MALTON GIVE YOU A REVIEW OF YOUR MOVIE BEFORE YOU WATCH IT!

Ugh, can't I just watch my fucking movie? I don't want to see half the scenes before I watch the goddamn movie.

It's going to make me feel so good to shut down my directv in a few days that I can't even express it properly. Their retarded setup for movies is just the tip of the iceberg. They also screw you with their HD. I got the latest HD/Tivo receiver and within a few months they announced they'd have more HD channels, only their old receivers wouldn't work. Including my brand new receiver.

Don't even get me started with the whole dish issue.

I'm going back to rabbit ears while I stay at my buddy's place. This probably means an increase in alcohol abuse and poker losses while I utilize my internet connection more often for entertainment purposes.

And callused hands, of course.

My all-time favorite raping of the consumer is not Directv, however. It's credit card companies.

We all know it's horseshit how they jack your interest rate up to 30% if you miss a single payment by a day, but I love their bill pay systems more.

If you get online with most credit card companies to pay your bill they offer you a convenient way to do so with online bill pay. Only you can't schedule more than one payment at a time and you definitely can't set it to automatically pay the minimum each month otherwise how could they fuck you for late payment charges and jack your rate up towards 50%?

I think the best birthday present ever would be if someone gave me the chance to punch in the face each person responsible for this 'fuck the consumer' way the credit card companies operate.

If someone could also invite the McDonald's marketing team I'd appreciate it. Just when they were getting less annoying with their ads they come up with a really hip new one featuring three breakdancing teens.

McDonald's doesn't make me want to breakdance it makes me want to break a food tray over the fry guy's head for not filling the fucking fry container all the way up or undercooking the shit out of the fries and each fat register lady who grabs your half empty half cooked fries like it's no big deal and gives them to you anyways along with your burger they prepared wrong because they don't give a fuck or they wouldn't be working at McDonald's and I don't blame them because a gallon of gas is almost as much as an hour's wage for some of these people but they should hold their heads high because they look like fine British royalty compared to the hunchbacked retards who man most Burger King's which is why I think they have those little paper crowns because retards love nothing as much as a good piece of headwear and the rumor is placing them around the restaurant is akin to placing an electric fence in your yard for the dogs and by the way McDonald's I'm not stupid I know you're making your fries thinner than you used to be and trying to pass them off like nothing has changed but you can't fool the bracelet you sonsofbitches.

Boom.

Outta here.