Thursday, June 19, 2008

Yada Yada Yada

It's nice to know that when nothing seems to be going your way you can always count on the deliciousness of bacon.

I'm on a mission to get Elizabeth eating pork products again. She used to, but the cuteness of piglets in person has apparently changed her mind for good. I shall use the convincing/healing powers of my junk and mind-blowing wit to seduce her back to my side.

If she refuses there is always the threat of butt sex.

Tiger Woods is shelving himself for the rest of the year after winning the U.S. Open with a torn ACL and a couple stress fractures in his shin.


If you live in Michigan you're livid right now. Not only will he not be showing up for the Buick Open, a tourney that also brings with it other chances to see Tiger as he holds clinics and such. But he'll be out of the Ryder Cup, a surefire way to see Tiger in action. I personally know of people who were excited about this as early as last year. Sucks for them.

But not as much as it would suck to buy a home three years ago for $150,000 and find it worth less than $7,500 today. Oops!

I know of this neighborhood and I can tell you it's a shithole. It needed something like this, a development to swing things back in the right direction. Sucks that it didn't work out.

This, my friends, is just one of many reasons the D is the shittiest metro area in all of the world. The mayor, after causing the city millions in his text message scandal, has been hammered by the media and city council to step down yet he refuses to do so. In fact, while he continues to fill position after position with friends and family, he is now suing the city (Which will, of course, cost the city more money) to try and stop their attempts at ousting him.

It probably boils down to his resigning becoming a de facto guilty plea. He might not have the charges against him that he does (Numerous felonies) if he would have just bowed out gracefully when he should have.

But just drive around and look at the current state of affairs in any given neighborhood. It's pathetic. Normally, crappy areas are poor and crime-riddled, but there are still businesses. In the D there are just massive numbers of empty, uninhabitable buildings. A large percentage are burned or have walls caved in. I drove close to a mile on what should have been a relatively busy road one day. Of the twenty some odd businesses that had once been open on this road, only a single liquor store remained open. The rest were crumbled, scorched, or both. 25% of the kids who actually attend high school in the D will graduate. Mix that with the numbers of kids who never even try and it can't get much worse in terms of education and youth. One of the worst economies with one of the worst housing markets with one of the worst leaders in the country.

Well done, D.

Was reminded of a girl I was set up with back in the early years of college. My friend Andrea had spoken with this girl, someone younger than us but who went to our high school, and she had brought me up. She was a Miss Teen Michigan winner in high school and I remembered her as being blond, tiny, and cute. I did the math and I was 88% to close the deal. I agreed.

When she met me at the restaurant my first thought was, "Whoa, it looks like she got stung by a bee."

Her face was abnormally puffy as if she were on steroid treatment. The other thing I noticed was that she was hairy. Now, we're talking a pale blond girl, so her hair was that type you can only see when the light hits her from the correct angle. But when it does, WATCH OUT! She had it everywhere and that was when it hit me...

A friend had told me this was the case years ago.

We were golfing and we got on the subject of some of our conquests. I never looked at them like that, as each girl I ever saw was like a god put upon a pedestal or something. Anyhow, he told us about it and we all ragged on him for letting something that sounded impossible (Because we all saw her around and you couldn't tell) keep him from working it.

Well, my friends, as much as I love the look of a woman having an allergic reaction I just couldn't get over the hair issue.

I've been picked on for my Seinfeldian ability to find the oddest things wrong with seemingly perfect women.

Hips that just didn't look right while naked.
Weird, ugly face moments.
Head was too large.
Protective body hair.
Jungle Bush/Upper thigh stubble.

I can't be the only one. Spill the beans people. Get it off your chests.


Human Head said...

Jungle Bush/Upper thigh stubble is definitely not an 'odd' thing to find wrong.

It is just simply wrong, and a horrible thing in general.

If I wanted to see The Bush, I'd go to Australia.

Joe Speaker said...

I shrink in horror from large moles or skin discolorations, even if they're in places that are normally covered. I remember finding one, about the size of a dime, just below the panty line and not being able to get it out of my mind for the rest of the "session." I was afraid to touch it. Though I kept looking at it to see if it was raised. Or breathing.

The Bracelet said...

I wonder if Australians like their ladies with extra bush?


Unknown said...

I second the weird face moments.

Speaker's mole thing just made me shiver.

The worst is when you finally get her naked and discover she has a cock and balls. I can't ever get over that.

I must be going to the wrong bars.

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

I thought you liked girls with hairy arms and stuff. I don't understand?

Now you have stung by a bee! Holla!

On another note, Viva The Detriot, Baby! The baseball team and football team suck.

Viva BG for thinking this is the year for the Lions.

Viva Kwame Kilpatrick he is the TRUTH! Free Kwame! Free Kwame! He's been wrongly accused of something he never did. Text messages should be private.