Wednesday, June 25, 2008


It's comforting to know that if nothing else, Joey Fatone has still got it.

I rarely get bothered while on planes. People must correctly pin me down as someone not to be fucked with. Probably because of my imposing stature and 14in gunz. So I hear stories of asshats pulling shit all the time on planes but it rarely happens to me.

For the first time in years I was asked to switch seats on my flight out to the east coast this past weekend. The guy was sitting in an aisle seat a row behind two little kids, who happened to be in my row where I strategically selected the window seat on the left side of the plane. For some reason I just can't sleep anywhere else on the plane, and I was getting up at 4am to go catch my flight. I wanted to sleep.

But, the kind and gentle Adonis that I am, I felt like I'd allow the guy to sit next to his kids and take his aisle seat. Never mind the simple fact that this mongloid was too fucking stupid to figure out how to book a flight where he actually got to sit next to his kids. I briefly thought about lecturing him on how not to be a dumbass, but just gave up my seat and left it at that.

The last row (on the right side of the plane, of course) happened to be unused so I just moved over there when boarding was complete and had the row to myself. Good enough.

On the way back I again strategically selected the left side window. Again I'd be getting up at 4am to go catch a flight.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Bracelet, what the fuck are you doing flying so early?

Well, it was the only way to maximize time, minimize cost, and keep the vacation days used to only one. So in your face!

I'm really tired this time. I have to fly back and go straight to work so I needs me some quality plane sleep.

I get back to the last row and see a young girl with her mother. Allllll the way across the aisle is the husband, a whopping two feet away. He stops me and asks if we can switch so he can sit with his family. I told him no. Then to suck it, as I grabbed my crotch and made an obscene gesture with my middle finger.

Well, that last part isn't entirely true. I more or less apologized for saying no. Because I'm gay. Then took my seat and slept the entire ride home.

Before the plan took off there was a problem with the guys in the row two ahead of me. They were Jewish. I know this because of their noses. Haha, kidding. I knew this because they were wearing yarlmukas and speaking Hebrew.

Anyhow, they were supposed to be seated in the middle seats one in front of the other, but the one guy decided he'd just sit in the aisle next to his friend. He also wouldn't budge for the guy claiming he was in his seat.

So the flight attendant was called over and told the guy he had to get up and move. He tried to play the "I don't speaka English" card and attempted to sit back down. Then she got pissed. Everything appeared to be sorted out when the flight attendant told him forcefully to sit the seat he was assigned, then walked away. He looked at the guy who he was stealing the seat from and made a couple gestures towards his aisle seat. The man tells him, "Yes, that's my aisle seat that I plan on sitting in." and the Jewish guy nods and says "Thank you" before sitting back down in the seat.

Now we know he speaks English and the attendant is wicked pissed. She comes back and all but strong arms the guy up out of his seat and makes him take the middle seat. He stops and starts trying to convince a different guy to swap his aisle seat.

I almost stand up and punch him.

I read in a book somewhere that it only takes 250 Newtons of force to knock a yarmulka off someone's head with a punch.

This means that Garth could headbutt (Traditional Aussie fighting style) one right off a guy's head. Plus I could knock one off left handed.

799 bitches.

The Summit is fast approaching and I'm getting the Boxer itch.


StB said...

Is there a law that explains how asshats on a plane are exponentially more annoying?

KajaPoker said...

I always thought it was spelled yarmaluke. And I like to say that out loud: Yar-Ma-Luke. It's what the Jewish Luke Skywalker would wear.

Next time you should just tell him:
Shev! Shtok! (Sit! Shut it!)

Joe Speaker said...

I never have any problems on planes, either. I give off the "Leave Me Alone" vibe better than anyone I know. I've even used it to get people to reconsider after sitting across from me on the train. Of course, the fact that I don't rein in my colt-ish legs, thereby leaving them with minimal or no leg-room, probably has a lot to do with, along with the stern set of my masculine jaw. I mean, I'm as handsome as it gets, but some people don't want me knees in their crotch.

Go figure.