Wednesday, July 01, 2015

It Figures


You'll never believe what just happened to me. Well, my real friends will. Anyway I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when a homo tried to gay marriage me! R U KIDDING ME?!? So I tried to get out of it but the supreme court made it legal so I was FORCED TO. Now I've gotta go buy flannel shirts and cut the sleeves off, which will cost money I don't have, AND require me to finally buy scissors.

Fucking scissors.

Plus now I have to download every Cher and Barbara Streisand album by court order. When will this stop, Obama? When every single one of us is legally gay married?!? What's next, blacks don't have to be slaves and women get to vote? C'MON ALREADY!!!!!

Alternate Post:

It's been about six days and this new gay marriage thing has been great for me. I've lost a few extra pounds while quickly sidestepping all the new gay marriage proposals being slung my way. I sleep better knowing that my alarm system was updated to go off for intruders as well as gay intruders thanks to the most recent firmware upgrade. Compliments on my shoes have never been more abundant. All in all it's been a great few days since the judgement except for that entire time where nothing in my life changed.

Oh, wait.

That was pretty good too.

Now for the search-term/hashtag/hit-count frenzy:


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