Friday, September 23, 2011

Claw, Hammer

I almost started this post with, "Listen..." but realized that if you're somehow listening to this post you're doing it all sorts of wrong.

(And possibly hear voices in your head. You should get that checked out.)

Instead I guess I'll just ask you to read more intently, and read more intently good.

I am going to get down to my fighting weight. It WILL happen.

And when it does I will fight you. I mean, that's what you get to your fighting weight for, right?

With that out of the way let's talk P90X for a minute. Well, I'll talk and you listen. Fuck, I meant I'll write and you read. On a quick side note I'm forced to occasionally watch Kathy Griffin doing standup on tv every so often. The old lady seems to like her and, I kid you not, there is a new special on every third day. All year. It's on more than Say Yes To The Dress. Oh, that's a show about bridal dresses. You'd know if you had a woman in your life.

The point is she's apparently a comedian but she starts every "joke" off with "I think it's time we talk about..." and then she inserts whatever lame topic the country seems to have a boner for. And the crowd immediately goes nuts. There's no joke and they eat it up. I guess that's why that old saying is still around to this day: Men are from Mars and women are borderline retarded.

So I ask my computer savvy lady to download P90X for me. I don't want to take the 90 day challenge or start mixing things up in the message boards, I just want to have something that will work for me if I'm too lazy to go to the gym but still need to burn off the 7 slices of pizza I had for lunch. I settled upon the Kenpo Karate DVD. It starts with stretching, but quickly moves into yoga. Because why wouldn't it? Then, once you're good and warmed up in the gayest way possible you get to start pretending you're Bruce Lee.

I mean, who wouldn't want to pretend they were Bruce Lee, right? I even took my shirt off and sharpie'd some scratch marks on my chest in anticipation. The problem is, it's really more like Gilad from Bodies In Motion than Bruce Lee.

So I'm in the second bedroom doing punch and kick combinations and feeling like a jackass because Gilad's workout tights are way cooler than mine. All while my girl is asleep on the other side of the apartment. I'm praying she doesn't wake up and come see what I'm doing because I look full retard. "Claw, hammer. Claw, hammer. Double-time it now...HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH..." 

It's ridiculous. A good full body workout and all, but ridiculous.

So we get to the final quarter of the program where you get in "horse stance" to do blocks and punches. It's basically standing with your legs wide and in a little bit of a crouch. Then you do all sorts of blocks which reminded me of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber during his dream sequence. Before he rips the dude's heart out though, because that was clearly badass.

I'm in the middle of blocking when I hear the other bedroom door. I hear some footsteps and wisely begin to pull out of my horse stance. Just as the door opens I grab my water and act as if I'm taking a little break. She sees I'm doing the workout, I inform her it's quite gay so she can't watch, she agrees without argument, and I've maintained my manliness (in her eyes) for another day. 

But nothing, and I really do mean nothing, I've done in the privacy of my own home where nobody would ever be able to see me has ever left me feeling so embarrassed. 

That said, I've done it a number of times to offset pizza and keep myself from having to leave for the gym. I'm feeling pretty good about my kenpo skills. In fact, I'd say that at this point in my training if you were to attack me on the street I'd be more prepared than ever. If my horse stance doesn't scare you away, perhaps occasionally blocking one of your punches or my gentle sobbing might confuse you and save me any further beatdown.

It's progress.

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