Sunday, May 10, 2009

It's Mother's Day


Hey, what do you know? It's Mother's Day today! Everyone is calling their mom and wishing her a great day. Probably calling all their friends and relatives with kids and doing the same. Writing odes to their mother on their blog, facebook, myspace, etc.

I'm not going to do that here.


Because my mom is great. She's the best, actually. Way better than your mom. (IN YOUR FACE!) But who wants to drop by my TGOD to see my chubby Mexican ass write a sappy blog post about my mom? The answer is nobody. Asi, mi madre probablemente. But not the rest of you hijo de putas.

So instead I'd like to write about other moms. Shitty moms.

The mom who holds me up at the grocery store because she's paying with a check. You, mom, should lose your kids for that. Too severe? No, definitely not. Honestly, it's getting ridiculous. Why don't you drive your Plymouth Horizon home, get on your typewriter, and type a reminder to yourself that if you find the time this weekend after Jazzercize you should hop on the Commodore 64 and search the internet for ways in which the world has moved on since 1988. Don't forget to save it all to a floppy disc you fucking idiot.

The mom who believes that having a kid and placing them in a stroller means they no longer have to pay any attention to the people around them. Congrats, mom, the fat 3rd shifter racist you married finally humped a baby into you and now that you've cranked her out and refused to get rid of your baby weight you now take up enough space just by yourself to shade entire blocks and while I'm happy your actually out walking with your baby it doesn't mean that you're any better than any of the rest of us blocking the sun and using your stroller like a fucking battering ram you inconsiderate bitch.

The mom who continues to bring kid after kid into this world when she can't house, feed, clothe, and basically parent the ones she already has. Yeah, you know who you are. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this way but if you have more than three children below the age of 3 I don't think it's out of the question to expect you to, oh I don't know, STAY AT HOME AND RAISE YOUR FUCKING KIDS! If I see one more picture of the octomom wandering around with coffee and shopping bags and ZERO FUCKING CHILDREN I'm going to get really angry.

(And you wouldn't like me when I'm really angry. There's all sorts of swear words and punctuation goes right out the window. I turn green and get even more muscular. My shirt rips. It's scary.)

The mom who brings her kid anywhere other human beings are located when the kid is coughing like a three pack a day smoker with chronic bronchitis. You, mom, deserve to lose your kid and get punched in the uterus as a warning that should you decide to crank out yet another germ factory/future gas station attendant maybe you should think twice about it and there was one other thing...I can't remember what it was...OH YEAH, STOP BRINGING YOUR SICK FUCKING CHILD OUT IN PUBLIC WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GO WITHOUT YOUR 64oz ICED COFFEE AND APPLE FUCKING FRITTER YOU FAT DISGUSTING SELFISH ASSHOLE!

Thank Jebus my mom is the best mom in the world.

Love you mom, thanks for not sucking like so many other moms do.

Now off to start working on a Father's Day post.


Unknown said...

Mom's everywhere have wept after reading this.

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Awesome! Hey, Joe Mama!

Kid Dynamite said...

i think this post could use a long run on sentence